Best-laid plans of mice, men and winter days

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

We had an Amish turkey for Thanksgiving.

 

What’s an Amish turkey?

 

It’s a turkey that’s never driven a car.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I’d listened to Cassandra—the weather report. Scheduled appointments were postponed. The best-laid plans of mice, men and winter days often go awry. I walked in the early morning. Small mountains of snow had drifted onto the road. My shoes crunched. When the snow is warmer than 14 degrees, the pressure from my step creates enough heat to melt the snow. But when the temperature drops below 14 degrees, my steps don’t melt the snow. They crush the ice crystals, which rub against each other, producing a squeaking sound. It lets me know I’m making progress.

 

My wife and I used to go door-to-door Christmas caroling with friends. I don’t pretend to be a talented vocalist, but I’m loud. The Good Book tells us to make a joyful noise. I made a noise far from tuneful. One sweet lady turned off the porch light of her house as we began crooning. I talked to her a couple of days later. She told me she thought she was turning the light on. Right. She’d had time to come up with an alibi.

 

A fellow caroler asked what I’d done with all that money. I asked him what money he was referencing. He replied, “The money your parents gave you to take singing lessons.”

 

THE CHRISTMAS TIRE SWING

In the deepest parts of my memory, the Christmas preparations were in full swing. Mom had spent around $87 on olives. Unopened, jarred olives stay fresh for up to two years. She had stocked up on her secret ingredient for making delectable Christmas foods—butter. We put a new tire swing up for Christmas. It was an odd time to do that, but the planets had aligned, and the perfect tire made itself available. It was a tire, a rope and a bad attitude hanging from a maple tree. I know what you’re thinking—it had replaced a flat tire. Well, you’re mistaken. It replaced a gunny-sack swing, a burlap bag filled with straw. We replaced the old rope before the tire swing was put in place. The new piece of a poor man’s playground was like the new bull at a rodeo; it had never been ridden. Yup, pardner, it was just like that bull except for the tire and the tree. We never tired of it.

 

NATURE NOTES

Three young opossums fed on snow-covered ground on a gelid day. Opossums are omnivores and eat eggs, grains, nuts, fruit, birds, snakes, frogs, mice, carrion, berries, garbage, insects, crustaceans, pet food and bird seed. Claims of their eating large numbers of ticks are dubious. A group of opossums is called a passel. I cracked open a window of the house and tossed an apple gently in the passel’s direction. The apple hit the frozen ground and rolled into one of the three animals. After being bumped, the opossum jumped into the air and, upon returning to Earth and realizing it didn’t want to waste its life being bumped by things, scrambled off into the woods. The second opossum sniffed the apple and then ran away to safety. The third, noted for its critical thinking, used its 50 teeth to grab the apple and, smiling like an opossum eating an apple, ran off to that secret hiding place where it goes to eat apples. The three different reactions of the opossums reminded me that not everyone wants the same Christmas present. None of the opossums wanted money or gift cards.

 

I saw a muskrat. Muskrats don’t hibernate or cache food, and feed all winter. They spend time in a sleeping lodge, which they dig into a steep bank with an underwater entrance. In early winter, muskrats create small shelters called push-ups by chewing holes in the ice and covering them with a mound of mud and plant debris. These mounds are often 3 feet high and up to 300 feet from the main lodge. Muskrats can stay underwater for about 10 minutes and use the push-ups to catch their breath out of the weather and away from predators. Muskrats have stiff fur around their back feet and toes, which works like webbing to propel them through the water. Their front feet are smaller, and they hold them under their chins while swimming.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

“Bless us Lord, this Christmas, with quietness of mind; teach us to be patient and always to be kind.”—Helen Steiner Rice.