Don’t know crap

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

My twin brother asked if I ever suffer from hallucinations. That was an odd thing to ask.

 

Why is that odd?

 

I don’t have a twin brother.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. Pumpkin spice always catches me off gourd. This was in Larry Wakefield's obituary: “In honor of Larry, please have a hamburger, a Pop-Tart, some cranberry sauce, or some ice cream. Those four ‘food groups’ were part of the secret to his spunk and longevity.” RIP, Larry.

 

I heard an auctioneer say this tongue twister without pause: “Betty Botter bought some butter, but, she said, this butter's bitter; if I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter; but a bit of better butter will make my batter better. So, she bought a bit of butter better than her bitter butter, and she put it in her batter, and it made her batter better, so, 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.” He used this when he was practicing to become an auctioneer.

 

I built a metal detector once and I became a poor man’s metal detectorist. I found rusty nails and pop tabs, and their nonmetal companions sherds and shards. In general, “sherd” refers to pieces or fragments of pottery, whereas “shard” may refer to broken bits of glass, metal, rock and ceramics. I dug up something I thought proved the Vikings (not the football team) had been here before generally believed, but it turned out to be a can of Copenhagen (an early Midwestern dessert) that had a hard life. I built a ham radio, too. My neighbor, Claude Bias, bought it. It was more ham than radio.

 

I’VE LEARNED

Every day of the year comes round but once.

 

I haven't done the Hokey Pokey in years. I guess I’ve forgotten what it's all about.

 

I was in a waiting area. A TV was showing “Gunsmoke.” Marshal Matt Dillon was shot 56 times over the 20-year run of the show.

 

The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

Name a rock group with four men who can’t sing. Mount Rushmore.

 

Did you hear about the three holes in the ground? Well, well, well.

 

When you're down by the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that's a moray.

 

The politician’s talk ran long, and when he asked if there were any questions, only one hand went up—the other attendees were eager to go home. The question was, “A horse, a cow and a deer eat similar things. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why is that?" The politician gave it a bit of thought, decided to say in his lane, and said, "Hmmm, I don’t know." To which the questioner replied, "How can you be qualified to discuss the economy, healthcare and the cost of living when you don't know crap?"

 

What is a pirate's favorite musical instrument? The guit-arrrr.

 

The bartender says, “We don't serve time-travelers here!” A time-traveler walks into a bar.

 

NATURE NOTES

Janelle Tukua of Albert Lea asked how deer communicate. White-tailed deer have an advanced communication system. A deer in alarm or distress may forewarn other deer visually (stiff walking, foot stomping, alert ears, raised tail and head swaying), chemically (scent deposited from the interdigital gland between the “toes”), and vocally (a snort or grunt). The waving white flag of a deer’s tail as it runs off is another example of visual communication, as are scrapes (bare dirt exposed by bucks pawing the ground with their hooves) and rubs (tree bark removed by a buck’s antlers). Forms of body language used by deer include hair bristling, staring and head movements that are used to establish dominance and territory.

 

When Europeans first arrived in North America, there were somewhere between 3 billion and 5 billion passenger pigeons. In 1860 in Ontario, a flock of passenger pigeons 300 miles long flew overhead for several days. How could a species go from billions to none in a brief period? While loss of habitat made a dent in the passenger pigeon population, overhunting was the primary cause of its demise. Hunters reportedly shot up to a quarter of a million of them in a single day for food and sport in 1886. By 1914, they were extinct.

 

Researchers conducting a helicopter survey at Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson in Anchorage, Alaska, discovered a black bear sleeping in a bald eagle nest. The scent of leftover fish may have drawn the bear.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

Matthew 12:34 says, “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Fill your heart with kind words.