I couldn't care fewer

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

That sign should be “10 items or fewer” instead of “10 items or less.”

 

Are you obsessed with grammar?

 

No, I couldn’t care fewer.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. It’s a harsh world. Day breaks and night falls. I was on the outskirts of a city. Steven Wright said, “You can't have everything. Where would you put it?” I know. The answer was there on the edge of town: Storage units. A stop before the landfill.

 

It was hot. How hot was it? It was so hot that the artificial flowers were wilting in the cemetery. A robin blew on the worms before eating them. It was as hot as a porta-potty at a habanero festival. I used one of my shoes as a cup holder for my water bottle. I needed to stay hydrated while thinking of getting a Subaru Kangaroo for short hops.

 

Someone who didn’t know what a muffler was had driven by in the middle of the night. He wanted to make sure I was up early enough to buy things. I’ve had some surgeries, but I’m still capable of locomotion. I know people who have had umpteen surgeries, and that’s a lot. I need to make myself useful. When I was a boy, walking down a grocery aisle was a big event. Now that I’m a kadult, I’m trying to resurrect that feeling when I go grocery shopping. I read the product labels as if they hold the answers to humankind’s eternal questions. I look for foods with little or no sugar and sodium. A noble quest. Fruitless pursuits for $200, Alex. I found motor oil enticing—one serving gives me 0% of my Daily Value (DV) of both sugar and sodium—but it tastes like motor oil.

 

A WAYFARING STORYTELLER

I was in Eldon, Iowa, and stopped at the Dibble House, which inspired Grant Wood’s famous 1930 painting “American Gothic.” Wood never set foot in the house. The farmer and the woman in the painting represented a father and his daughter. Wood modeled the man after his dentist and the woman after Wood’s sister. The house features a distinctive upper window in the Gothic Revival style, which gave the painting its name. American Gothic might be the most parodied painting in history. It became an icon by capturing the American spirit and resilience.

 

Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr operated Roseanne and Tom's Big Food Diner in Eldon from 1993 to 1995. The short-lived diner featured a menu focused on loose-meat sandwiches. Arnold was born and raised in nearby Ottumwa.

 

I’VE LEARNED

Missouri and Tennessee each border eight other states. Missouri borders: Iowa, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas and Nebraska. Tennessee borders: Kentucky, Virginia, North Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas and Missouri.

Alaska is the northernmost state in the U.S. The northernmost Lower 48 state is Minnesota. Its Northwest Angle extends above the 49th parallel into the Lake of the Woods.

 

The part of the body where one cannot reach to scratch is the acnestis.

 

The first legal meat raffle in Minnesota took place in Albert Lea in 1978 as part of a 4-H fundraiser.

 

Toast has a dark side.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

The Institute for Unfinished Research concluded that 6 of every 10 people…

 

Where did Benedict Arnold shop for his groceries? Traitor Joe’s.

 

In England, it's called a lift. In the U.S., it's called an elevator. People are raised differently.

 

NATURE NOTES

A robin, a fine bird, sang in the rain. I consider that song to be a rain song, even if it isn’t. It rains, and there is a song. That seems right.

 

Our backyard looks like a home for wayward ferns. I didn’t even have to start a GoFrondMe campaign.

 

It’s a good year for fireflies. Fireflies do well in damp conditions. The same can be said for mosquitoes. It’s a good year for mosquitoes, too. What’s good for the lightning bug is good for the skeeter. I swat mosquitoes, but that only monitors the population and doesn’t affect it.

 

Hummingbird moths (sphinx moths), which are often mistaken for hummingbirds, visit flowers to feed on nectar. They don’t harm the plants.

 

Fledgling rose-breasted grosbeaks are slow-moving, as if weary or lethargic. I watched an adult male crack open sunflower seeds and feed the kernels to a fledgling begging on a platform feeder. Males flash pink or reddish under the wings, while females show a yellowish color. If an immature bird has pink feathers on the breast, it’s a male.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

“Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.”—Princess Diana.