The loudest usually know the least

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

I applied for a job at a convenience store. They asked me where I see myself in five years.

What did you tell them?

In a mirror.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I hate to brag, but Mr. Rogers asked me to be his neighbor. I was a passenger in a small, formfitting airplane flying over endless water, where I was the only passenger, and seated next to the pilot. He asked me to guess how old he was. I don’t like that game. You can’t win. He gave me a clue. He said he had been flying since Pontius was a pilot. My guess was way off. He told me he’d always been 83, but I shouldn’t worry as he no longer drove a car.

 

My class was so bright that our teachers had to wear sunglasses. My neighbor Crandall claims he was a flower blooming in manure. He said even though he was as dumb as a bucket of dirt; he graduated because the sheer force of his apathy overwhelmed the school. Once sprung from high school, he couldn’t wait to get away. Once away, he couldn’t wait to come back.

 

I got extra credit for sharpening my yellow HB2 pencils made by Ticonderoga, Empire and Papermate. Each pencil had an eraser as a reminder that we all make mistakes. I haven’t seen my diploma since we finally got the kitchen table to stop wobbling.

 

Here’s some advice for graduates.

 

If you eliminate everything that doesn’t spark joy. You might end up with nothing but a TV, a sofa and a refrigerator.

 

The loudest usually know the least.

 

If you can’t fix it, use more duct tape.

 

Never trust anyone who claims to have all the answers.

 

Remember where you parked.

 

I’VE LEARNED

Everything sounds simple if you don’t have to do it.

 

I can tell when they’re not using real dinosaurs in a movie.

 

Donuts are hole grains.

 

Food dropped on the floor is OK to eat as long as it’s picked up within 5 seconds. This can become the five-hour rule if someone is hungry enough.

 

All high-fiber breakfasts are to go.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

 

What kind of trousers does a ghost hunter wear? A paranormal jeans.

 

NATURE NOTES

Why do birds sing loudly in the morning? Because they have no thumbs and can’t text.

 

A deer’s coat is reddish in the spring and brown in the fall. It provides thermoregulation and camouflage. Summer coats are reddish and thin, helping to cope with heat stress. The coats tend to be darker in forested areas, and lighter in agricultural areas where deer are exposed to more direct sunlight.

 

Canada geese don’t spend all their time playing vuvuzelas to let us know they aren’t quacks. They typically build their nests on the ground but will nest in trees or on buildings. In 1804, Captain Meriwether Lewis (Lewis and Clark Expedition) reported Canada geese nesting in trees along the Missouri River in North Dakota. In 1820, Titian Ramsay Peale recorded a goose in possession of an eagle’s nest near what is now Council Bluffs. In the mid-1950s, Montana biologists monitored 77 tree and cliff nests where Canada geese nested. Some sites were 200 feet off the ground. How do the nestlings get out of the nest? They escape the nest in an uncomplicated way. After the goslings hatch, the parents call persistently from the ground. The goslings jump from the nest and flap their puny wings on their descent to the ground. Goslings are as tough as baby wood ducks.

 

A group of crows is called a “murder.” There are several explanations based on folklore and superstitions. There is a folktale in which crows gather and decide the capital fate of another crow. Ancients regarded the appearance of crows as an omen of death because crows are scavengers and were associated with dead bodies, battlefields and cemeteries. The term “murder of crows” reflects a time when groupings of many animals had colorful and poetic names. Is one crow an attempted murder? Are the crows in my yard a murder? They have probable caws.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

“I should dearly love that the world should be ever so little better for my presence. Even on this small stage we have our two sides, and something might be done by throwing all one's weight on the scale of breadth, tolerance, charity, temperance, peace, and kindliness to man and beast. We can't all strike very big blows, and even the little ones count for something.”—Arthur Conan Doyle.