Meeting one-eyed cars

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

I just read “The Shining” by Stephen King.

 

I thought you didn’t like horror novels.

 

I don’t. I shut my eyes during the scary parts.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. A radio station played “You Can Call Me Al” by Paul Simon and dedicated it to me. I am a lucky guy.

 

I rode on a bus and listened to a fellow traveler tell me he was not good at sleeping. The only thing that helped was called cognitive shuffling. He explained that the technique involved thinking of a random, emotionally neutral word, for example, "tree." He takes the first letter of the word, in this case "T," and he thinks of as many items or objects as he can that begin with the same letter, such as "table," "toaster" or "towel”—visualizing each item as he thinks of them. Once he cannot think of any more words beginning with the letter T, he moves on to a second letter. He said he rarely makes it to a third letter before falling asleep.

 

I’VE LEARNED

The best foldable device is a book.

 

You are a hypochondriac if you put cough syrup on your pancakes.

 

We never tipped the lunchroom ladies in school.

 

On my drive home from Northfield, I met many one-eyed cars and many more bright-eyed ones. Some were too bright-eyed, causing me to mumble, “Namaste.” In Sanskrit, that means “I bow to you.” In yoga, “namaste” is often said to mean “The light in me salutes the light in you.” If your high beams dim on their own, your car is using an automated system.

 

To be frank, I'd have to change my name.

 

Humpty Dumpty was pushed off the wall by a cat.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

Why did the cat cross the road? Because the chicken had a laser pointer.

 

If my body were a car, I'd trade it in for a newer model because every time I sneeze, my radiator leaks and my exhaust backfires.

 

My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm A Believer" by The Monkees because she found it annoying. I thought she was kidding. Then I saw her face.

 

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? Because he was on edge all summer.

 

IN THE HEADLINES

Bigfoot is never seen at a bowling alley. Researchers say shoe sizes are a big deterrent.

 

Snowman caught picking his nose in the produce department of a grocery store.

 

The Condescending Club has rules, but you wouldn’t understand them.

 

Cemetery refuses to bury anyone living in the area.

 

New fiber-laden cereal promises a colonoscopy preparation in every bowl.

 

A local couple went on a whale-washing tour. They thought it was a typo but learned it takes a long time to wash a humpback whale.

 

NATURE NOTES

Laura Belin of Ames asked how long she should keep her hummingbird feeder up. I keep mine up for two weeks after I stop seeing any hummingbirds at them. I do so in case a straggler shows up and could use a convenient filling station. When that happens, I wish the tiny birds could tell me why they were running so late. I need more good excuses.

 

I watched a northern harrier hunt by floating low over the ground. Its buoyant flight reminds many of a butterfly’s. I quite like seeing the raptor once called a marsh hawk. The more, the harrier.

 

A young cardinal, its grayish-black bill not turning an orange-red color until the bird is 65-80 days old, was feeding on a platform feeder offering black oil sunflower seeds. It fended off a female purple finch who thought the seeds were for sharing. There was a lot of feigning and stabbing the air with bills, but no apparent harm.

 

The yard blue jays were having a communal cow. They had discovered a perched owl or accipiter. Their common calls were a harsh, raucous "Jay, jay, jay!" I’m sure a blue jay, a dapper sentry of the neighborhood, is a reliable listener, even though it sounds as if it’s a constant interrupter.

 

I marveled at the beauty of the red maple leaves. They had worked hard, and now they get to become breathtaking beauties. I found it impossible to find a loser in a legion of champion leaves.

 

A woolly bear caterpillar’s direction of travel is an instinctual search for a safe spot, not a conscious navigation towards a specific destination. It moves in search of a suitable hibernating spot to overwinter, like under leaf litter or wood chips, which offer a freeze tolerance. The colors of the future Isabella tiger moth indicate the woolly worm’s age.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

“Kindness and politeness are not overrated at all. They’re underused.”—Tommy Lee Jones.