A New Year's prayer

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

For our meeting tomorrow, I’m going to make one of those diagrams that use the intersecting circles.

 

Venn?

 

Tomorrow.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. When one door opens, another door freezes shut. It’s not good when it rains after December 1 and then it turns extremely cold. The wretched ice goes where it shouldn’t. Our garage door had frozen shut. It took time, whining and a bit of elbow grease to get it open. I had needed to make a phone call saying I’d be late to an appointment because I couldn’t get out of my garage. It was all good. I smiled at a sugar cookie.

 

I’ve survived another blizzard. Blizzards aren’t usually accompanied by kind adjectives. Officially, the National Weather Service defines a blizzard as a storm that contains large amounts of snow or blowing snow, with winds in excess of 35 mph and visibility of less than 1/4 mile for an extended period (at least 3 hours). Why is it called a blizzard? Because all the other cusswords were taken.

 

I’VE LEARNED

One in every four frogs is a leapfrog.

 

When I ring the bells for the Salvation Army, I’m reminded of the decency of people.

 

I don’t know I’ve fallen asleep until I wake up.

 

I’m like most people—I haven’t met most people.

 

If no two snowflakes look alike to you, you don’t need glasses.

 

There’s no way everyone was kung fu fighting.

 

TRUNCATED TALES

I rid my sock drawer of a couple of pairs that had failed the dime test. I tested the socks by stepping on a dime. If I could tell whether the coin was heads or tails, the foot garments were discarded.

 

If you’re a member of the Flat Earth Society, you should get a round-the-world cruise for half the usual price.

 

The prevailing winds are from the northwest here in the winter. Those winds can be strong. If they keep up, my house will slide two counties over.

 

A friend, Gregg “Marty” Martin, gave me an Al’s Bar softball team T-shirt. I’ve never been to that fine establishment, but it was a splendid gift that I’m happy to wear on formal occasions. I stopped for breakfast at Al’s Breakfast in Dinkytown (Minneapolis). It’s hard not to stop at an eatery bearing my name. It’s a skinny restaurant with 14 seats. There are walk-in closets that are larger. There was a worthwhile wait. I’d have been seated sooner had I been wearing that Al’s Bar T-shirt.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

How do chickens pick their noses? With their chicken figures.

 

New York and Minnesota are opposites. New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where Minneapolis.

 

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.

 

Where do English people shop for groceries? The British aisles.

 

An international chess tournament was held at a swanky New York hotel. Due to a conflicting convention, the chess tables had been set up in the lobby. Everyone who was anyone in the world of chess was there. After a grueling three days of chess, there was still no champion. In the lobby, the players engaged in a big argument about who was the best chess player. The quarrel grew loud, each player claiming to be the greatest chess player of all time. A bystander commented, “If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

 

NATURE NOTES

Sandy Olson of Northwood wrote, “When the snow is deep and all vegetation is covered, what do rabbits eat? And squirrels, do they find the nuts they buried in the fall? And, where do rabbits go to get out of the cold if their little warrens are buried in snow?” Rabbits eat what dry grasses and hay they can find under shallow snow or in sheltered spots. When the snow is deep, rabbits eat bark, twigs and buds from the trees and shrubs above snow level. Squirrels rely on hidden caches of nuts and seeds, using memory and landmarks to find the buried food. When those caches are depleted or hard to retrieve, they'll gnaw on bark and buds from trees and shrubs. And squirrels happily raid bird feeders. Cottontails find shelter in dense shrubs, brush piles, evergreen thickets or under decks and porches. They will use abandoned dens of other animals like woodchucks for protection from extreme cold and predators.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

  “Kindness, kindness, kindness. I want to make a New Year’s prayer, not a resolution.”—Susan Sontag.