Paris syndrome of the heart

My wife Laura and I had a wonderful vacation in France a few years ago. The trip was so much more than I hoped for. Paris was cleaner than I expected. Parisians were nicer than I expected. Even the food was better than I expected. Everything about this trip exceeded my expectations. It was the kind of vacation we all hope for.

 

One of the keys to a satisfying vacation is to have realistic expectations. I learned that tourist expectations for Paris are among the highest for any destination on earth. The disappointment that some people feel over their trip to Paris can be devastating. There is even a medical condition called Paris syndrome. I’m not making this up. Paris syndrome is a collection of physical and psychological symptoms that result from extreme disappointment with Paris. People actually get clinically depressed, nauseous, and even experience hallucinations. Some of them have to be hospitalized. Most victims are Japanese. In Japanese culture, coming to Paris is expected to be a supernatural experience.

 

The reason I loved Paris was because I expected Paris to be a city with great food and art and history. But at the end of the day, Paris is just a city. Paris is not supernatural. Paris cannot give me what only God can give me. If I put anything above God in my life, I will always be disappointed.

 

The French have a syndrome of their own. I call it marriage syndrome. According to my friend Christine who lives in France, Parisian marriages last an average of two years. Parisians are very good at falling in love but not so good at staying in love. Commonly, they become disappointed with their spouse and move on.

 

I think that this means that Parisians, and certainly Americans as well, have unrealistic expectations of marriage. We come to marriage thinking that our spouse is going to meet all our needs and wants and fantasies. But that is not possible for any human being. That is a job for God alone. I don’t expect my wife to satisfy my soul like God, and she doesn’t expect that of me. Reasonable expectations give us each the freedom to be flawed human beings. This results in joy and freedom.  If I put a person above God in my life, I will always be disappointed.

 

The early church leader Augustine of Hippo wrote of a time when he was constantly disappointed. His problem wasn’t that he loved bad things, but he loved good things outside of their proper order. He found that he needed to pay attention to God-given priorities. His writings have been helpful to me to examine my priorities and perspectives. I try to put God first, then my spouse, then my children. My career follows these, then my hobbies and pastimes. 

 

Along the way I’ve discovered a few of my own “disappointment syndromes.” Most of my disappointments have been due to unrealistic expectations, and even idolatry.  If I’m feeling disappointed in any aspect of my life, I need to ask, “What was I expecting, and why?”

 

God created the world with a certain order. Material things were created to be on a lower order than people. People were created to be on a lower order than God. Augustine realized that his sins were related to loving things above their created order.

 

So, if we value things like beauty, money, or possessions more than people, then we have a problem. Those things will never satisfy us the way human relationships can. And if we put people above God, —if we love them more than we love God —that’s also a disordered love. People, including your own spouse and family, cannot satisfy you the way God can. Disordered love will become an addictive pattern because you “can’t get no satisfaction.” Mick Jagger was singing about disordered love. 

 

If your loves are properly ordered, then the first and highest priority will be God. As Proverbs 3 reminds us, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” And Jesus echoes this in Matthew 6: “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

 

When God is first, everything else begins to fall into its proper place. Our expectations become grounded. Our relationships become freer. Our disappointments, though still real, no longer define us.

 

But when anything else takes that first place—whether a city, a spouse, a dream, or even our own expectations—we set ourselves up for inevitable disappointment. No created thing can fill the space of what only God was meant to fill.

 

So, when you feel disappointed, don’t just ask what went wrong. Ask what was placed too high. Disappointment is often a signal—not that something is worthless—but that something has been asked to be God.

 

Put Him first. Let everything else follow. And you may find that the life you once thought was disappointing becomes, by His grace, more than you ever expected.