Smelling salts for the ears

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

I got new eyeglasses at Costco.

They look good. How do you like them?

I like them. Now I see everything in bulk.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. He was a familiar stranger while I was in college. I’d seen him around. He was from New Jersey and was a friend of a friend. A group of us was lounging around. We were in a lounge area of the college, so we had to lounge around to keep from being expelled.

 

“Hey, any of youse guys want to drive me to my bar?”

 

It turned out that his name was Louie, and he wore the countenance of a guy who could be happy if he wasn’t careful.

 

He didn’t own a bar. The bar he wanted a ride to was a place where he went to shoot pool. He’d much rather shoot pool than attend classes—the hours were better and so was the pay.

 

He explained that the bar was in a rough neighborhood and he needed someone to drive him there in his car and then pick him up later because he didn’t want to park his Cadillac at that location. He feared it would be vandalized or stolen.

 

My ears perked up when I heard “Cadillac.”

 

I was one of the “youse guys” and volunteered.

 

I drove a land barge to and from a pool hall.

 

When my mother called and asked me how I was doing in college—that’s what she asked, “How are you doing in college?”—I proudly answered, “I’m driving a Cadillac.”

 

I’VE LEARNED

Blueberries lower blood pressure unless you look at the price of the blueberries.

 

I can communicate with fish because I have mental tilapia.

 

It takes a nurse longer to find a vein than it does a mosquito.

 

Why is "dark" spelled with a K, and not a C? Because you can't C in the dark.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

The unknown baker was named John Dough.

 

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were all arguing about that glass of water, I drank it. Thank you. Signed, The Opportunist.

 

Face the facts, aliens never visit Earth. They've read the Yelp reviews. Only 1 star.

 

IN LOCAL NEWS

I paid my respects to Whitey Hagen at Community Lutheran Church. My mother told me that we should leave the world a better place than it was when we got here. When his brother Dick died from cancer, Whitey, with the help of Hank Thompson, started the Geneva Cancer Auction in 1985, which has raised major funds for cancer research. Whitey left the world a better place.

 

The Steele County Historical Society’s “Land, Air, Water: Celebrating Conservation and Preservation in Steele County” exhibit is open. The Owatonna Izaak Walton League is celebrating 100 years of service, the Steele County Soil and Water Conservation District is celebrating 80 years of operation, and there is a display of the Wahpekute Dakota history in the area.

 

NATURE NOTES

There was a lot of whining in the yard. No, it wasn’t all from me. It was the oft-repeated chi-call of a red-bellied woodpecker, which sounds whiny. It’s a call to stop, look and listen. Woodpeckers drummed. They banged out love notes in Morse code or woodpecker code on resonant limbs. Downy and hairy woodpeckers can be hard to tell apart. Downies are smaller and have short bills. Hairy woodpeckers have bills more like chisels. Nuthatches went around a tree trunk searching for food, as if they were stripes on a barber pole. A cardinal cranked up his spring song, a loud, whistled series of notes sounding like "cheer, cheer, cheer" or "birdie, birdie, birdie.” That’s smelling salts for the ears.

 

Chipmunks scurried about as if they had misplaced their lists of things to do today.

 

White-tailed deer can run 30 to 40 mph, never once qualifying for a NASCAR event. They can leap up to 8 feet high. Wild strawberry leaves are lovely to see. The leaves stay green over the winter.

 

For most of Minnesota and much of Iowa, December is typically the snowiest month of the year. January is second, February third and March is the fourth snowiest month, but you never know.

 

Acrobatic squirrels engaged in a merry chase of tag. Squirrel and rabbit chases take place as part of the courting process. Gray squirrels mate twice a year, typically from December to February and June through August. Fox squirrels mate twice a year, generally from December to February and June through July. The eastern cottontail rabbit breeding season runs from March to September.

 

Male goldfinches begin molting from their muted, drab plumage into vibrant mating colors in mid-March. Watch the state bird of Iowa, and you’ll see some splotchy feathers on goldfinches during the in-between stages of a molt.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

Every person you meet is in need of a kind word.