Speak softly and carry deep-fried foods

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

Sorry, I’m late. I had car trouble.

 

What kind?

 

I couldn’t make it reach the 160 mph needed to get me here on time.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I grew up alongside a rural road. We were the last owners of every car we had. They went from us to the junkyard. Our cars were gravel dust with license plates. When it rained, my mother directed us to back the car out of the shed so it could be washed.

 

I was traveling by shank’s pony, which meant I was walking. I was in a small town. I asked a local if there was a park nearby. He told me there was one about two football fields away.

I thanked him for giving me a target for my walk. It was a long walk. The small town had one football field. The second football field was in the next town 9 miles away.

 

STATE FAIR

I worked at the Minnesota State Fair for many years, spending a lot of time by the 50,000-gallon fishpond. Big fish full of little fish. After working on the fairgrounds for a few days while surviving on a diet of health foods impaled on a stick, I felt as if I’d plowed the entire 322 acres while walking behind a recalcitrant mule. There were 270,426 people there on one memorable day in 2018. It was cramped and difficult to avoid anyone. Christina Aguilera holds the grandstand attendance record of 22,117. The 10 most often appearing grandstand acts are Alabama (19 times) Garrison Keillor (13) Willie Nelson (11) and The Beach Boys (11). Teddy Roosevelt gave his famous "Speak softly and carry a big stick" speech at the fairgrounds in 1904. Minnesotans heard it as, “Speak softly and carry deep-fried foods on-a-stick.

 

COUNTY FAIR

I peeked out from between two large pickup trucks. One of the parked vehicles was big enough to have its own ZIP code. I looked left. I looked right. I was checking for the presence of a wonderful thing—a Kiwanian driving a golf cart. They were there to give people rides around the fairgrounds. I appreciated all the good the Kiwanis do, but I didn’t want a ride. I needed to walk.

 

I’VE LEARNED

A highway teaches us that no matter where we are, we’re in somebody’s way.

 

It’s a rare person who leaves the house on the first try. A reminder that car keys are handy for a driver.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

 

Never let your children shenan. If they shenan once, they'll shenanigan.

 

I chastised a grandson for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible singer. We don’t slam The Doors in our house.

 

NATURE NOTES

The presence of tiny unidentified flying objects in homes is linked to overripe or rotting fruit, damp soil in houseplants, food scraps, drain residue or standing water. Fruit flies (or vinegar flies) are brown, and hover around overly ripe fruit, open beer or soft drink containers, bread, garbage disposals and trash cans. Phorid flies have several common names, including scuttle flies, sewer flies, humpback flies and coffin flies. Unlike fruit flies, phorid flies characteristically run short distances before pausing and then abruptly running in another direction. They often run instead of flying away. Adult drain flies are fuzzy, dark or grayish insects covered with hairs. Wings are longer than the body and held roof-like over the body when at rest. Some species hold the wings out to the sides, giving them a moth-like appearance—hence the name "moth fly." They’re weak fliers and make irregular, hesitating, short flights. All these insects could be called drain flies since they breed and feed in drains or standing water and eat decaying matter. Fungus gnats are tiny insects hanging around houseplants.

 

On a sweltering day, when the roar of a crop-dusting airplane drowned out better sounds, a male indigo bunting’s voice proclaimed the day’s goodness. A helpful mnemonic for remembering his song is "Fire, fire! Where, where? Here, here! See it? See it?" He sang it repeatedly, trying to overcome the plane’s noise. The bird sings when many other songbirds have muted.

 

Damp soil provides more slugs, snails and pillbugs to feed firefly larvae, which means more fireflies for us to see.

 

The Carolina grasshopper has black hindwings and is commonly found in open, dry and sunny areas where it blends in with the bare ground, earning the nickname “road duster.” They look like tiny, parked Tesla Cybertrucks. Males are known for their "crackling" flight sounds, called crepitation.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

It should be easier to love than to hate. Be kind.