A story of hope

There are times in your life that it's easy to struggle with how much to share. Especially in a public place like a newspaper article, it's easy to write what feels good and what perhaps, at times, something to make people think. But to bear one's soul, to share the deep, invisible struggles is simply another thing completely.

 

But there are times as a pastor, that it's worth sharing. There are times it's worth the "invasion of privacy". So, I'm going to do a hard thing. I'm going to share my difficult season with you so that you may read this knowing that there is no manual for how to process hard seasons and that you're not alone in your struggle as you process hard things. Hopefully, you will see where I find my hope, so when undesired events come into your life, you know where you can turn to find the hope you need. So here goes.

 

On Saturday, August 8, at about 9:20 AM, my mom breathed her last breath on this earth.

 

While that is what will be printed on her death certificate, the process of her dying started long before that. My parents live in Illinois, and my mom had been on dialysis for the last 3 to 4 years. It's ugly and the longer she was on dialysis, the more we saw they were stealing life from her. She had lost all strength in her legs, and she had become physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. Over the past 4 months, she had been back and forth from home to the hospital, and then a rehab facility to help her get the strength she needed three times. It wasn't working. The dialysis wasn't working. Nothing was working. I was becoming overwhelmed and exhausted watching from afar.

 

It was becoming apparent that she was in her last days. Saturday August 15, would be their 50th wedding anniversary. Though we had planned a big party for them, we didn't know if mom would make it that long. So, my whole family, including our son-in-law-to-be, was able to join my brother's family to celebrate my mom and dad's anniversary 10 days before the actual date.

 

I am so glad we made the trip. It was great. Mom was tired, but we got to spend great time with her. We drove back home Wednesday night. To be honest, I felt guilty leaving, knowing that at any time, the poisons in her body would ultimately take her life. That visit would be the last time we saw her on this earth.

 

I called dad every morning and every evening after we got back to check on mom and him.

On Saturday, August 8, at about 8:45 AM, I was in the middle of a run. I often called dad while on my runs, so I called dad to check on mom. He told me she was good but breathing differently. I didn't say anything, but I had a feeling. We talked for 10 minutes or so. At the end of the call, I said, "Bye mom, I love you!" At about 9:25 AM, I got a second call. I assumed it was an accidental dial; my dad isn't great with smart phones. I answered and heard a whimper.

 

"She's not breathing. I can't get her to respond. She's gone."

 

And just like that, mom was gone.

 

Now, before I move on, my heart breaks and I am going to miss her terribly.

 

Mom had a very tough life. Between physical and health issues, she battled significant traumatic experiences, and it developed into severe emotional and mental illness. She battled these for a very long time.

 

When her kidneys began to shut down, she told me that she didn't want to dialysis. I told her,

 

"If you love Stephen [my brother] and me, you will do dialysis." I know, that may sound harsh, but she battled suicidal ideations very often. After that conversation, she signed up for dialysis and she faithfully went to her appointments three-times-a-week, even though it literally killed her a little every day.

 

Now, if this were the end of the story, it would be sad, and that would be really sad. But this is the part of her story that I love to tell whoever will listen.

 

The moment that my mom closed her eyes and breathed her last on this earth was the exact moment that she saw Jesus face-to-face. And I'm extremely happy for her. More than the sadness, the heartbreak, and the grief that I'm feeling, I have an inexpressible joy in my heart.

 

Why? How can I have a joy, even amid the struggle of losing the woman who gave birth to me, raised me, loved me, help me buy my first truck (I loved that little red Chevy S-10 pickup)?

 

My only hope is that Jesus died and rose again so that one day even though we may die on this earth, death does not win. It's only the beginning. And mom is more alive now than she has ever been. How can I say this? When my mom was a teenager, she called on the Name of Jesus, and she surrendered her life to Him. And because of that day, and a lifetime of following His lead, she is in heaven with Him. We believe that to be the truth.

 

I told you that this life was not easy for her. And there were days that she wanted to be with Jesus, but she endured. She fought. She held tight to Jesus. Out of the hundreds of things that I could say about her, this is what stuck out to me most about her. She ran the race and at the finish line, she broke the tape and fell into the arms of an outstretched Jesus waiting for her.

 

I think I can honestly say the only thing that really mattered to her was that she and my dad raised us to love Jesus with everything in us, and to raise our kids to love Jesus with everything in them. My two kids are how we leave a legacy of her faith, and whoever comes next will know that Nana's faith is now a part of them, too.

 

And Rose Wulf would want you to know how you can have that hope, too. How you can trust in Jesus to save you from your sins and how you can be assured of eternal life with Him. You can call on His Name and whoever calls on the Name of Jesus in true faith and repentance will be saved. Her life was a living testimony that life is hard, but you can endure through the grace and strength that Jesus gives. If you have questions about faith, Jesus, heaven, or how to have a relationship with Jesus, please reach out to me personally. I would love to tell you about how Jesus changed my mom's life, how He has changed my life, and how He will absolutely change yours if you let Him.

 

Here is an eternal truth that God's Word promises us. Though the world may take us away, nothing can take us away from His love for us (Romans 8:35, 38-39; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

 

Mom, thank you. Thank you for loving Jesus. Thank you for teaching me to love Jesus. Thank you for not killing me when I was a teenager (I have stories, let me tell you). Thank you for everything.

 

I will miss you. But I wouldn't want you to worry about that. Enjoy heaven. I bet it's more amazing than you even dreamt it to be.

 

See you soon. Save a place for me. Love you always.