A twist at the end

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

Each year, I am reminded that there is only one thing that scares me at Halloween.

 

Which is? 

 

Exactly.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. Mac Davis wrote and sang, “Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way. I can't wait to look in the mirror cause I get better looking each day. To know me is to love me. I must be a hell of a man. Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble, but I'm doing the best that I can.”

I find it impossible not to be humble.

 

I told stories at an elementary school. My throat became parched and dry. I stooped to get a drink from the water fountain. I bent way down. The fountain was low, having been built for its regular clientele. For a tall drink of water like me, it was an epic bow to staying hydrated. It was the fountain of youth. Ponce de Leon would have been proud. Except for the part where the first jet of water went up my nose.

 

ASK AL

“Why does an ostrich hide its head in the sand?” It didn’t want to hear or see one more campaign ad. An ostrich doesn’t exhibit the behavior of burying its head in sand.

 

“My husband and I are about to celebrate our 48th anniversary. What’s a suitable gift for him?” The 48th is the Barbed Wire Anniversary. A coupon good at the Endless Paper Cuts Store is an appropriate gift.

 

“What is the book “Catch-22” about?” It is about a local baseball team’s average number of catches out of 100 pop flies.

 

IN LOCAL NEWS

Used bookstore offers reheated coffee.

 

Man gets his 10,000 steps while looking for his car in a gigantic parking ramp.

 

Local store makes good money when business is good, but business has never been good.

 

Rest area is too closed for comfort. 

 

The emerald ash borer proves that all wood things must end. 

 

Man sells a homing pigeon for the 37th time.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

If there is a toilet in your dreams, don’t use it.

 

Carpenter ants are just like other ants except rainy days and Mondays always get them down.

 

Where do geese go on vacation? Honk Konk.

 

I read a book on installing lightbulbs. It had a great twist at the end.

 

What is the hardest thing about skydiving? The ground.

 

NATURE NOTES

A joyous cloud of birds twisted across a harvested field. They were blackbirds taking advantage of flock intelligence, and they weren’t quiet about it. The birds had something to say. The mixed flocks could include red-winged blackbirds, common grackles, brown-headed cowbirds, European starlings, rusty blackbirds, Brewer’s blackbirds and yellow-headed blackbirds.

 

The multicolored Asian lady beetle is known as the Asian lady beetle, Halloween lady beetle, harlequin ladybird beetle, pumpkin ladybird beetle, multivariate lady beetle and Japanese lady beetle (not to be confused with the Japanese beetle). Asian lady beetles were introduced in 1916 and in 1964-65 to control pecan aphids. From 1978 to 1982, Asian lady beetles were released in Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Mississippi, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Washington for biological control. The released beetles spread. They were never introduced to Minnesota for biological control measures but traveled here and were first documented in 2004. Multicolored Asian lady beetles are drawn to soybean fields, where they feed on aphids throughout the growing season. After the beans are harvested and temperatures begin to drop, the beetles look for a warm place to spend the winter. They migrate en masse toward buildings—particularly the sunny, south-facing walls of light-colored structures. Unlike our beloved native ladybugs, these beetles bite, and they emit a foul-smelling yellow fluid when disturbed. They don’t reproduce indoors, but they do hibernate in large groups in warm, protected spots in attics, wall voids, or behind trim and baseboards. On warm fall or winter days, they become active again, appearing as surprise guests inside our homes. In Minnesota, lady beetles fly to buildings between late September and late October, when temperatures are above 65°F and before freezing temperatures set in. Look for a distinct black M-shaped marking behind the head to identify it as a multicolored Asian lady beetle.

 

“Do vultures find food by sight or by smell?” All vultures find food with their incredible eyesight, but turkey vultures have a keenly developed sense of smell, which they can use when foraging for carrion. It’s not clear to what extent turkey vultures rely on their eyesight versus their ability to smell.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

“Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.”—George Sand.