Bryan Post analyzes stress in parent and child relationships

Bryan Post is a nationally recognized consultant who is called in when adoptive or foster care parents are considering ending their roles as parents because they are having trouble managing a child’s behavior. Post provided a two-day seminar on April 23 and 24 for area social workers, foster parents, and other interested individuals at the Eagles Club in Owatonna.

 

His talk the morning of April 23 looked at the “brain science” involved in a typical high-energy exchange between a parent figure and a child whose life has included past traumatic events.

 

“And I get the worst of the worst,” Post commented regarding his clients’ experiences. He described one 14-year-old who was exposed to family violence from the time he was born to age 6, when his mother died. After that, he experienced physical abuse, was removed from the home, and from ages 7 to 14 ended up in 12 different placements, including numerous hospitals.

 

Post described one exchange in which this child, given the pseudonym Aaron, had been told he would be allowed to use electronics “later, if his behavior was good.” Aaron had reacted with extreme anger, spilled beverages, and broken the television.

 

Post told the group that, although Aaron’s behavior seemed to radiate defiance and anger, the brain science behind the exchange was actually all about fear.

 

Brain chemistry was central to his analysis. He mentioned the amygdala, part of the brain stem, which releases the hormone cortisone when activated. 

 

“When it receives cortisone,” Post said, “the brain freezes first, for a fraction of a second, then makes the decision whether to fight or flee.”

 

Post went on to explain that being told to comply with a request in order to receive a reward– what seemed like a calm situation without any threat in it–would be interpreted very differently in Aaron’s brain. “Electronics are a calming mechanism,” Post revealed, pointing out Aaron was likely seeking a way to withdraw from some stress factor. “He was seeking control, but was denied it. 

 

“To an immature brain, waiting seemed like a threat.”

 

One of Post’s central points throughout the talk was that, once people are under stress, their thinking becomes confused and distorted and their short-term memory is deactivated.

For those who have experienced trauma, the process goes one step deeper. Post stated that conflict leads to stress, people experiencing stress are no longer thinking clearly, and, for those who have experienced trauma, their brain chemistry regresses back to the time when the trauma was at its worst.

 

Even adults, Post stated, “can regress as far back as infancy.”

 

So, though Aaron could not have expressed the circumstances using words, being told to wait felt like a loss of control, a loss of control felt like a threat, a sense of threat caused his brain chemistry to mirror what it had been when he was being abused, and his “fight or flight” response was to lash out.

 

“A stressed child is an emotionally regressed child,” Post told the group. “And they regress back to the age of their biggest trauma.

 

“As an adult, your job is to recognize the body in front of you is 14 years old, but right now you are interacting with someone who is intellectually about 3 years old.

 

“Would you discipline a 3-year-old the same way you discipline a teenager?”

 

Describing trauma as trapped negative energy, Post said the adult’s job is to help the child build inner calming mechanisms which were not built earlier in his or her life. Though it may go against the adult’s instincts, Post said, the way to respond to an outburst like the one described is to look for a way to reassure and comfort the child who may appear angry and resentful on the outside, but deep inside, is actually hurt and frightened.

 

Spilling drinks and breaking things, Post pointed out, are not unexpected behaviors when dealing with a 3-year-old. Though people might be tempted to end their relationship with a teenager who behaves that way, their reaction is quite different if they can recognize the behavior, in many ways, is being initiated by the brain of a toddler.

 

The most important response, he suggested, is to pause, take a deep breath, and be calm.

“The outburst is already over, you can’t undo it.

 

“No amount of shouting or resentment will fix the television or take back the swear word.

“The important thing is how we move forward from here.”

 

Recognizing that the outburst came from a place of fear, he said, the first priority is to ensure children feel safe. Remembering their brain chemistry is identical to what it was during the worst time in their lives, Post said, the adult accomplishes at least two things by remaining calm–modeling a mature response and projecting a sense of safety.

 

His goal as a family counselor, Post explained, is to break the cycle which can eventually lead adults to consider ending their parental roles. He described it as a tightening circle in which the child’s behavior leads the adults to attempt to impose control. The efforts at control escalate the children’s stress, perpetuating the behaviors.

 

“If you are trying to win, you are already in a power struggle, which means two dysregulated entities are facing off.

 

“The one who has the worst history is the one who regresses the most quickly and deeply.”

 

To break the cycle, Post said, adults must learn to react, not with their heads, but with their hearts.

 

People’s heads, he pointed out, have often been conditioned to respond based on an automatic release of chemicals. Responding with love allows them to see past their preconceptions and intrinsic assumptions and build a place of calm and safety.

 

Post acknowledged that the change in perception is seldom easy to make. Adults must monitor their thinking and their behavior to gradually remove themselves from the cycle. It will take even longer for traumatized children to step outside it because that element of their growth became frozen at some point and has had no chance to advance since then.

 

“You are taught to calm yourself by the adults in your life,” commented Post. “If you did not build a calming response from ages 0 to 3, you likely still struggle with it.

 

“A highly stressed child cannot make their own calm on demand. They must borrow it from you.”