National expert shares mental health insights

Mental health is a very tough subject to tackle, especially when it concerns children and teens.

But many organizations in Waseca and beyond banded together to have the conversation at Waseca High School on Thursday, May 11. Jeff Yalden, a former teacher of 32 years and a teen motivator, was the featured speaker. His presentation was organized by Free Flags for Vets with contributions from Waseca County Public Health, Waseca High School, and Beyond the Yellow Ribbon of Owatonna.

The day started with Yalden speaking with Waseca High School students and staff. That was followed by a public event at 7 p.m. that evening.

As far as the turnout for the event, it admittedly wasn’t high. Up to forty people arrived to hear the evening talk. Although Jeremiah Miller, event organizer, was somewhat disappointed, Yalden explained that he shouldn’t be.

“Everywhere I go, if you get fifty people, I call that a good turnout,” he said. He joked that it was a beautiful day outside, so that may be why people are out. But in a more serious explanation, he said, “This is not a conversation where we get home after a long day and say, ‘You know, I’m going tonight to listen to a speaker talk about teen suicide. I can’t wait.’ Nobody is excited for this.

“I recognize that those of you who are here…you aren’t the ones I need to talk to,” he added. “This is not an easy conversation to have. But it takes a community to have this conversation.”

Yalden shared that men are four times more likely to complete the act of suicide, but women are more likely to attempt. “Men are reactionary; women process stuff better,” he claimed. “Men are taught to be tough and get over it, and sometimes, they just want it to be over. Women think about it and eventually talk themselves out of it.”

However, the trend is somewhat changing in self-harm–actions like cutting or burning oneself. Although women have historically been the ones to carry it out, males are now more likely to hurt themselves.

A question Yalden says he has always asked is, “If there’s one thing we can give to our young people, what would that be?” Yalden simply said, “Self-esteem.”

“I find that we are believing in our young people today more than they believe in themselves,” he elaborated. “You can really get burnt out if you fight more than they fight for themselves.”

He then posed a question to the audience. “How do we as parents or teachers encourage and support but discipline and implement routines and structure? Where’s the balance?”

He suggested that parents are the problem. “Parenting is harder than it’s ever been. Raising a teenager is harder than it’s ever been. Teaching is harder than it’s ever been.”

But the problem lies in “parenting on the back end” instead of the front end, as he put it. “They have to catch up doing what they should have been doing. But you can’t parent them at sixteen. Instead, you can start the conversation and get invested in their lives.”

He added that part of the problem is the kids’ attitude, and that those behaviors start at home. “I know that our kids are traumatized,” Yalden said. “Please know I want to be as sensitive as I can. I understand. But that doesn’t give us or our children permission to behave the way they’re behaving. And we have to stop minimizing their attitude, their choices, and the disrespect they tend to show.

“Prepare your child for the road ahead, not prepare the road ahead for your child.”

Yalden also pointed out that kids are learning that they need to be perfect, and that life itself is perfect. He shared a story about when he asked some of his students why they wouldn’t speak up when he asked questions. They were afraid of being wrong and judged for that.

“That hurt my heart,” he said. “I would never judge them. I told them that I wanted them to make mistakes. It’s my job to teach.”

One of the other points Yalden made is that devices are being allowed in schools, and that’s part of the problem. “When they go on Instagram or any other social media, individuals may feel like they don’t have meaningful relationships,” he said. “Our [electronic] device isn’t our connection to our world. But young people feel like it is, so they feel alone.”

Yalden said it’s difficult for parents to connect with their kids and ask them what’s wrong. Although teens may get angry when asked, Yalden suggested that the parents shouldn’t react to that anger.

Instead, what he suggested was, “Don’t ask them if they’re okay or tell them that you need to talk to them. It might scare them and make them lie. Instead, ask them, ‘Hey…how’s your heart?’”

It’s a question that may throw them off. But Yalden shared that in his personal experience, he was able to talk to many of his students that way and get to the root of the problem.

In the end, mental health will always be something challenging to talk about, especially when it comes to teens, according to Yalden. What really concerns him is the ten- to eleven-year-old age range, where a lot of the suicidal thoughts are beginning. It’s affecting younger people.

“One thing that a student told me once after I spoke at their school was, ‘Jeff, I’m tired in a way that sleep can’t fix.’”

It’s a tough conversation to have, and he thanked the school, the staff, and everyone else for coming out to have it. “I’m proud of the school for accepting this conversation and starting it,” he said. “It’s important we do our part to normalize the conversation as much as we can.”