2000-Pound Cafe

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

  I did all I could do today.

  What did you do?

  Nothing. It was all I could do.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

  I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. It’s hard to let go of things, but I took some of my precious stuff to the Salvation Army. The Smithsonian Institution had declined to accept even one of them. They claimed my things were too good for them. Their loss. Museum visitors will be missing a thrill or two. Imagine the lines waiting to see Al Batt’s three-headed ancient Norelco electric shaver. Who wouldn’t want to see that? Or the largest cornflake I’d ever seen safely ensconced in a scuffed orange pill bottle. And that pair of bookends that looks like Andy Rooney, plus a “What are you looking at?” orange hoodie. Never worn. A framed photo of the greatest NCAA basketball timekeeper of all time. Not identified by name, but cool. A polo shirt that never came close to attending a single polo match, yet it had a genuine horse manure stain. Now that I’ve freed up all that space, my wife won’t need to be asking, “What do you get the man who has everything?” because I no longer have it.

 

AT MY NEIGHBOR CRANDALL’S PLACE

  “Grab a bowl and put some chili in it,” said Crandall. As instructed, I grabbed a big bowl and filled it with chili and oyster crackers. It was the perfect repast on a chilly day. As I ate, one of Crandall’s twin hounds, either Moose or Squirrel, kept growling at me.

 

  “Don’t mind him. He likes everyone,” advised Crandall.

 

  “Then why is he growling at me?” I wondered aloud.

 

  “It’s because you’re eating from his bowl.’

 

CITIES WITH INTERESTING NAMES

  Jed Clampett of the “Beverly Hillbillies” said he was from Bugtussle, Tenn. Well, doggies! There’s a Bugtussle or Bug Tussle in Ala., Ky., Okla. and Texas. The Texas town was named either for an invasion of bugs that spoiled a church ice cream social or because it was a place that offered little entertainment other than watching bugs tussle. Here are some other interesting names: Bacon Level and Possum Trot, Ala. Why, Ariz. Two Eggs, Fla. What Cheer, Iowa. Gas, Kan. Monkey’s Eyebrow, Ky. Nimrod and Embarrass, Minn. Hot Coffee, Miss. Worms, Neb. Whynot, N.C. Cannon Ball and Zap, N.D. Knockemstiff, Ohio. Ketchuptown, S.C. Wynot, N.C. Difficult, Tenn. Ding Dong, Texas. Satan’s Kingdom and Mosquitoville, Vt. Imalone, Wis. Tightsqueeze, Va. Okay, Okla. Chicken, Alaska. Tightwad and Frankenstein, Mo. Zzyzx, Calif. (population 1), and No Name, Colo.

 

I’VE LEARNED

  The coolest bone in the human body is the hip.

 

  The more expensive the car, the more likely its parking is to be substandard.

 

  Even if you’re losing brain cells while listening to someone, calling those you disagree with stupid won’t change their minds.

 

  We had a salt substitute when I was a boy. We called it pepper.

 

  My favorite peaches should be eaten over a sink.

 

IN LOCAL HEADLINES

  Magician’s assistant graduates in the top half of her class and in the bottom half.

 

  The 2000-Pound Cafe specializes in one-ton soup

 

  Baking Bad Bakery offers man buns.

 

  Popeye’s Eyeglass Shop opens, with its catchphrase, “Eye am what eye am.”

 

  A buttermaker says his job has no margarine for error.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

  My nephew wants to be a skydiving instructor when he grows up. I told him that was a descent career.

 

  Cowboys hung a lantern on their saddles at night so they could find a trail in the dark. This was early saddle-light navigation.

 

  Why is an airport the worst place to have a cold? Because it becomes a terminal illness.

 

  “What’s green and hurts if you get it in your eye?” A John Deere tractor.

 

NATURE NOTES

  When you next hear the cheerful twittering of birds, stop and listen. Researchers from the Max Planck Institute for Human Development and the Universitätsklinikum Hamburg-Eppendorf have shown that birdsong reduces anxiety and irrational thoughts. The scientists published their findings in the journal Scientific Reports.

 

  Folklore says a narrow brown band on a woolly bear caterpillar means a hard winter, and a wide brown band means a mild winter. The truth is that the wider the brown band, the older the woolly bear (woolly worm or hedgehog caterpillar).

 

  What bird has the most feathers? Generally, the bigger the bird, the more feathers it has. An emperor penguin has around 80,000 feathers. That’s nearly 60 per square inch. A ruby-throated hummingbird has approximately 1,000.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

  A kind word is worth 1000 pictures.