Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

I was cleaning the attic when I found my old flutophone. I began playing it.

I’ll bet that brought back some memories.

It sure did. I remembered how bad I was at playing the flutophone.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I’ve been privileged to ring Salvation Army bells for many years at a few Hy-Vee stores. It’s always a pleasant experience, but not without its thrills and chills. A man, doing his shopping with the aid of an electric cart, was obviously a new driver, because he zoomed past me at high speed, or at least whatever the highest speed one of those units can attain, and hit a wall with a larruping good lick. I looked around for a state trooper as the excessive mph made me think I must have been ringing the bells on a highway. After I’d stumbled back to reality, I asked if he was OK. The man was not a happy camper. He muttered a discouraging word and left with his bag of food. I was grateful to have avoided a bell-on collision with a motorized shopping cart.

 

SNIPPETS FROM STORIES

We had pumpkin pie with whipped cream. David Mamet said, "We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie." The foods that led up to the pie had a pinch of this and a pinch of that. Both pinches were delicious.

 

Let it snow. Let it snow. Make it stop. I sneezed while brushing my teeth. I don’t recommend that. Am I suddenly allergic to toothpaste or snow, or just a sneezing fool?

 

The fellow told me he deserts Minnesota for Arizona in the winter. He does that because warm weather improves his mood.

 

My mother told me about the carpenter’s ruler my grandfather had used. Grandpa was a builder of houses. The ruler had been worn beyond easy reading, and someone had used it to stir paint, but Grandpa still used it. Mother asked him how he could measure anything with that ancient ruler when it was nearly impossible to see the marks. He replied that he’d used it so long, he remembered where the marks had been.

 

I talked to a guy in Tennessee. I told him that he lived in a beautiful part of the world. He said, “It might be, but I wouldn’t know. I’ve lived here all my life.”

 

I once read a poem from Rod McKuen’s book, “Listen to the Warm” to the goats. They needed guidance. “For every star that falls to earth a new one glows. For every dream that fades away a new one grows. When things are not what they would seem you must keep following your dream.” It didn’t help. They still acted goatish. I should have read it to the chickens. My favorite poet is the late Mary Oliver, who penned these words, “Instructions for living a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.” I got a shingles shot and, being a cautious sort, I got a vinyl siding shot, too.

 

BAD JOKES DEPARTMENT

I told my doctor it wasn’t my fault that exercise and extra fries sound too much alike.

If George Washington were alive today, what would he be most famous for? His age.

 

My wife called me to tell me she’d seen a coyote on the way to work. I asked her how she knew the coyote was on its way to work. She hung up on me.

 

NATURE NOTES

If you have a bird feeder, watch for motionless woodpeckers, with their bodies held parallel to a tree or feeder, waiting for a predator to pass. That’s a red-alert pose. I try to imagine what the bird is going through. I want to put myself in its feathers, but I can’t, but I keep trying. I anthropomorphize to demonstrate kinship.

 

The tamarack tree, a Minnesota native, is a deciduous conifer with bright green needles that turn yellow in the fall and drop off.

 

A flying squirrel has a membrane that connects its front and back legs, and is called a patagium. Spreading its limbs allows it to glide, not fly, between trees. Minnesota has two species of flying squirrels, not counting Rocky. The northern flying squirrel weighs 2 to 4.4 ounces and is 10 to 12 inches long (tail included). The southern flying squirrel is 8 to 10 inches in length and weighs 1.6 to 2.2 ounces.

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

“If the only prayer you say in your life is thank you, that would suffice.”—Meister Eckhart. Be kind.