Smoothing life's path

ECHOES FROM THE LOAFERS’ CLUB MEETING

Good morning.

 

And the rest of the day to you. You look taller.

 

That’s because I got a raise at work.

 

DRIVING BY BRUCE’S DRIVE

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. Halloween is when old cobwebs become new decorations. I bobbed for apples and got water on my knee. I dressed as a Band-Aid once. That was a hard costume to pull off. My neighbor Crandall wore a Mark Hamill mask. You should have seen the Luke on his face.

 

Hoping to smooth my life's path, I took a job at a gas station to learn how to do things. I had a short and distinguished career as a pump jockey. It was more short than distinguished. My boss told me my job was to never disgrace the sign. He pointed to the logo of the business. I wasn’t as talented as a coworker who claimed to be proficient at using a Slim Jim and hot-wiring cars. Paying with a credit card required me to place a customer’s embossed plastic card into a mechanical device called a zip-zap or knuckle buster machine and roll a heavy metal handle across it to imprint the card number and name on a multi-part carbon paper sales form before it was signed.

 

My strongest point was being good at using GOJO hand cleaner.

 

I’VE LEARNED

Dr. Lowell Barr of Spring Valley has a 1931 Ford Model A. Lowell’s uncle purchased the car new in Nebraska. The Model A began production in 1927. It’s 95 years later, and the Barrs have preserved that piece of family history that can still be driven.

 

The inventor of the couch invented nothing else. He was too busy napping.

 

The paper towels at the gas pumps are there to wipe the tears away.

 

When the James-Younger Gang robbed the First National Bank of Northfield on September 7, 1876, they left with a burlap bag containing $26.70 cash.

 

ASK AL

“What do you think Edward Munch’s painting ‘The Scream’ portrays?” A father who stepped on a Lego brick.

 

“Why do sharks swim in salt water?” Pepper makes them sneeze.

 

IN LOCAL NEWS

Our local origami shop kept getting busier. Business was in creasing, but then it folded.

 

Brace yourself for the upcoming orthodontists’ strike. Local geometry teacher missed a school day after spraining his angle.

 

All Flat Earth Society members must report back to the 8th grade.

 

Ventriloquist retires after dummy contracts laryngitis.

 

Local man gives up watching football on TV to spend more time with his family.

 

Senator Highbottom recommends putting stop signs on interstate highways to slow speeders.

 

Baking Bad Bakery (formerly Filled of Cream) has rigamarolls, but you will have to go through a lot to get one.

 

NATURE NOTES

I led a tour to Denali. Alaska is a big place, and traveling around it builds a big appetite. We stopped to eat, grabbing sandwiches and drinks before finding perches outside, because why wouldn’t we sit outside? We finished our meals and were walking back to our bus when another tour arrived. They snagged sandwiches and chips, placed them on the outdoor tables, and went to get drinks. I told the leader that someone should stay and guard the food. I’d do that, but I needed to catch a bus. He thought I was goofy and asked who would steal their food. He was right about the goofy part, but when I said, “The gulls,” he replied, “The gulls to you too.”

 

I stood by the door of our bus, using my amazing math skills to be sure all 50 of my tour participants boarded. Before I stepped onto the deluxe motor coach, I looked back at the spot where we’d enjoyed a lovely repast. Delicate-appearing gulls named mew gulls (the name has been changed to short-billed gulls) were devouring the sandwiches of that group of tourists. The “mew" part of the name didn’t come from its catlike call because it makes nothing that sounds like that. It’s derived from “zee meeuw,” an old Dutch name for the bird. Gulls are incredibly good at obtaining food. A gull in Florida snatched a partially eaten hot dog from my hand. It did so for my own good.

 

The name “nighthawk” is a misnomer, since the common nighthawk isn’t strictly nocturnal—it’s active at dawn and dusk—nor closely related to hawks. They have long tails, forward-swept wings and spectacular aerial maneuverability. It belongs to the nightjar family, and its “hawk” name comes from its resemblance to a small hawk flying and its hawking method of catching insects mid-air. 

 

MEETING ADJOURNED

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”―Ralph Waldo Emerson. Be kind.